I've been thinking about it, and it seems that I follow a similar pattern every time before I go in for surgery. A pattern of behavior and thinking similar to the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), but mine are more like 5 stages of pre-op insanity.
Katie's 5 Stages Of Pre-Op Insanity
- Type-A Preparedness
- Fuck It All
Type-A PreparednessI usually start out a week or so before hand being very type-A...getting things in order...preparing. I'm naturally a type-A personality, so this stage sits well with me. This is the time when I feel that everything is going to be okay, and be better than before. For this surgery I ordered a new cast protector for the shower, paid bills, bought a cast sock, emailed the kids' teachers, etc. I got all my ducks in row. And just in time before the panic set in.
Then, a few days beforehand, I get anxious...this lasts for a few days. I get headaches, nervousness, and sleep poorly. This time around, I started with the headaches on Saturday (I'm having surgery tomorrow--Wednesday). My headache got so bad on Sunday that I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach. I had to go lay down until it passed. In all honesty, I almost had a panic attack. Those are not fun.
All this anxiety cannot stay bottled up too long before it needs to be released somehow. This is my manic mode. I started the cleaning yesterday, Monday, and would have cleaned the entire day, but my body hurt too bad. I've also been writing a lot over the past few days...which is actually a good use of nervous energy. Probably, the best way to get rid of nervous energy cannot be written about on my blog because my kids read it. So I'll leave it at that ;)
Last night was time for the mini-breakdown. This is when I realize that bad shit can happen when you have surgery. I broke down and cried to my husband last night and had on and off crying this morning. The crying (or being on the brink of crying) won't actually go away until the doc gives me my “happy drugs” before surgery. So this stage actually overlaps with the last stage.
Fuck It AllThen I get in the “fuck it all” mode. Shit's not done? Fuck it. House isn't clean enough? Fuck it. You don't like me saying fuck so much? Fuck you. Get the point?
Like I said, this stage overlaps with the last...and I'll go back and forth between them. I guess my manic mode actually overlaps a bit too. Honestly, at this point, I can feel any of these stages at any given time. I feel a little mental. They should really give you happy drugs a week before surgery...then maybe I wouldn't feel this crazy!
Am I the only one who feels this mental? Surely, people get nervous before surgery, but I can't tell if this is “normal” crazy or “Katie crazy”...???